On Love

I can definitely relate to most of the types of love that have been categorized. I’ve felt passion and attraction, and I’ve felt the calm reassurance of a familiar soul next to me. At this point in my life, I am seeking nothing more than stability.

Growing up, and even well into adulthood, the only stability I ever experienced was in my relationship with the military. I think perhaps that’s exactly why the idea of “falling in line” and being told exactly who to be, was so enticing for me. My father, an alcoholic, was chaotic and volatile. My mother, the enabler, was often the target of my father’s drunken insults. She would bottle up her depression and wounds and explode in anger at a moment’s notice.

With my marriage, it was passionate, but broken. I could count on being told what I wanted to hear, but never what I needed. We grew apart before we even said, “I do”, but fell in line because, after all, we had a child.

And I experienced the short-lived, head-spinning eros love. It ended about as fast as it began. Of course, it felt like a fairytale in the beginning. I thought he might even be my soul mate. But he was younger and tepid in his commitment. And I was so lost in feelings that it nearly broke me entirely.

Stability. Nothing more. If that’s the only thing I ever have in life, I’ll be content with that. In the end, we always crave what we’ve never had anyway.