Gullible

Two broken parents raising a child was catastrophic. It created this chaotic chain of events that ensured mutual and hereditary destruction. And when I finally saw the destruction and clawed my way out, in hopes that my children would come out stronger and fiercer than I ever could be, he retaliated, blamed and smeared me and everything I've ever done.

It's even worse when he's a narcissist and I'm the one that's been so emotionally-damaged that I thrived on the fake love promoted to me. Enthusiastic people call that an empath. I call it gullible.

He always said horrible things to me. And then pretended like nothing happened. That happened for years. He would get mad and snap, saying whatever awful things he'd been thinking about me, and then act like everything was fine the next day. But one night, I woke up. I was so tired of having my feelings, thoughts and desires knocked down and belittled. My spirit had been broken enough. So, I got out. Or, at least I tried.

It was okay for a while. We were cordial and helpful, maybe even friendly. And then he began the smear campaign. I hadn't said a word about the situation to the rest of the world. It was our story, and our ending. I didn't need everyone to know. It wasn't their business.

I finally stood up for myself and said, "No! That's not what really happened!", and maybe the fact that I didn't submit, didn't sit well with him. I was no longer manipulatable. Narcissists hate that. They thrive on being able to mold you to whatever they need you to be.

But, I was determined to break the cycle.

And when he realized he couldn't do that, he turned to threats. He threatened my job, my stability, even my motherhood. He told me he was going to take her from me. He said my mental health would take her from me. And he filed it. He told them all that I am an unsafe mother. That I am unfit.

More smear campaigns. More manipulation. More attempts to gain sympathy. And, people bought it. Every single choice I made was met like a chess move. Every single thing I said was used against me. And every time he realizes his manipulation stops working, he changes his method of delivery. He'll pretend to be my friend, pretend to care, pretend he can hurt me, pretend I could face punishment...anything to get me to bend to his will.

I got a protection order. Domestic violence isn't always physical after all. I wasn't even sure I deserved it, but everyone pointed out that threats and intimidation are abuse too. When he fought it (you didn't think he'd just sit back and allow that to tarnish his reputation, did you?) and I couldn't pull up the evidence quick enough, he threw it in my face that I'm a liar, a manipulator; I'm crazy. That he's the real victim.

He quit seeing our daughter for four months. Only one of those was in that protection order. The rest were his choice. I asked weekly when he wanted to see her. He used an excuse, or simply didn't reply. Hell, I even offered to drive her to him. I gave up on the idea of my daughter having a father. I told myself I would just need to be the strongest parent, and find a good male role model to replace what she had lost.

On her fourth birthday I texted him again. No response. I cried that night in the bath. It's the most damaging feeling in the world to see your child hurting. And I wrote about it, hoping he would see what he was doing. When he saw, he finally began asking to see her. I was so happy, until I realized he was only doing it because of how I had made him look. And, how it would look to the court to see the "unfit" parent doing the only parenting.

Then came more lies and manipulation. I should've seen it coming. I should've guarded myself, but I was so happy my child would have a dad.

Some days it's so fucking hard to keep a head on my shoulders without breaking down and giving up. Life is hard enough, and he makes it harder. I fantasized a healthy co-parenting relationship in my head, but that's all it ever was, because that's impossible with a narcissist. It's impossible with anyone that only loves themself. Everyone is just a pawn to them. And while I can't even comprehend that fully, I've seen it.

I will fight fiercely for my children, and I will do whatever I have to to stop this cycle. She will not be broken like her parents.

She won't be gullible like her mother.

#mb #ab #ls